There I was sitting down for my monthly acupuncture session, ironically enough I type this on the day I am about to see her again. My acupuncturist Amanda is an incredible source of information on women’s health and pure female empowerment. 

So, I was seeing her and she asked me the question “What is this infection stopping you from doing in your life?”

A-quick-catch-you-up: this whole year I have been battling a parasite and bacterial infection that has run rampant over my body. Only recently – like 8 months into the process did I realise the bacteria in charge of producing enough energy for my body to sustain, sleep, function – you know live, was supposed to be between 70-90% and mine was at a stellar 1.5%. 

Meaning I was running on gas, on fumes, and still going about my day-to-day life, juggling 5-6 jobs at a time and wondering why I felt like crying on the way to teach yoga in the mornings because I was exhausted. Oh and 4:45 – 5am starts when your a yoga teacher probably doesn’t help the situation. But I digress.

So my acupuncturist who has been there with me for every step of the way asked me, what is this infection stopping you from doing? What is it holding you back from?

I paused, really mulling over this question she asked. The answer wasn’t what I expected but it suddenly fell into my lap.

It isn’t stopping me from anything. It’s helping me. Saving me from myself.

See I realised then – only 6 months into the journey (I know, classic slow life learner) that I could not keep going the way that I was.

For years I’d been operating on an autopilot that appeared to be working from the outside, yet was crippling me from the inside.

Y’know how everything on the outside looks great, inviting, put together. Everyone can count on you for everything because lord knows you’d never let down a soul – even if it means putting yourself last.

Constantly striving to be better, do better and no matter what I achieved it didn’t feel good enough. No matter the successes, the wins because underneath it all I didn’t feel good enough for myself.

And so for 3 long years no matter what I put out into the world, what workshops I created, events I spoke at, I was always left with a numb feeling that it wasn’t good enough.

Now when I look back I could rattle myself silly. I look back and see this brave, courageous version of myself and am amazed at what I created and put out there in the world. But then, I could not have seen it.

Maybe it had nothing to do with not feeling good enough, perhaps my soul was crying out to me, whispering at first and eventually screaming “there has to be another way”. I could not keep travelling along this road of never stopping, pausing or congratulating myself.

Of being hard on myself, seeking perfection, excellence or perhaps simply the ideal version of myself I thought I could be. Do not even get me started on how sick to my stomach I am of trying to be the best most ideal version of myself. Give me my full humanity and wholeness any day. But that’s another post for another day I am sure.

See, something had to give. And because I wasn’t ready to change my ways, it’s like my health had to be completely destructed before I could start to rebuild myself from the inside out again.

Sometimes you have to be cocooned for a really long period of time. You have to let go of the outside world, the fears of falling behind and be okay with exactly where you are and where you fall, even if it feels light years away from what you’d want it to look like.

More words to come on this – for sure, particularly diving deeper about this new way of being that’s infiltrating every facet of my life.

But for right now, I want to leave you with a thought to ponder wherever you are.

If there is something you are fighting against right now, your life, your existence whatever it is, what is it holding you back from?

Maybe you have a list of things it’s holding you back from, which causes you frustration and unease, that’s okay. I could not have given the same poetic answer I did 6 months into my experience during the first 4, as my internal body, health and mind were so red raw I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

However, perhaps because you are here, and you’ve read all the way to the bottom, I think there might be a part of you that’s ready to see that maybe it’s not holding you back from anything. Maybe it’s exactly what you need. 

I’m not saying it’s fun, enjoyable, or great, it can be shitty, hard and seriously suck. But perhaps it’s not holding you back from as much as you think. It may even be the exact thing you need right now.

 

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